I decided to kick things old school today on a day I deemed a writing day.
I grabbed my notebook, pen, keys, sunglasses, and I was out the door. My destination? My favorite little spot out by the lake. I am never more at peace than when I’m by the water.
On my way over, I stopped for a cold drink; it was getting pretty toasty out. Went for my favorite Gatorade (glacier cherry) and was at the counter paying in no time. What happened next was a simple happening, but the brain reaction was something that only happens in the mind of Sarah Brocious.
I turned about and ran into someone in my hurry. Can I just put a disclaimer out there? I have a weakness for lovely eyes. This gentleman happened to have grey blue eyes and a great smile. He was laughing at me, but not in a “make fun of the clumsy girl” way. He was honestly amused. He said, “Well, hello there.” I said, “Hey” blushed and hurried away. ZERO GAME….I have none. Later I thought…you could have at least smiled, brainless. It was a silly simple occurrence, but it brought up in me an insecurity. It transported me back to my younger years when I was just as shy and awkward.
Don’t get me wrong…I can make friends easily. I have good communication skills. I am extremely professional when it comes to work. No issues there. I can stand in front of a group of people and speak without quavering. But when it comes to me receiving the attention or being seen as anything but “Sweet Sarah” or “Work Sarah” “Sister/friend Sarah” I’m vulnerable.
Being newly single doesn’t help. When you are with somebody for any length of time, you learn their tells. You know how to tease them or make them smile. Why was this giving me so much anxiety??? It was because it was like i had gone backwards. I can’t do this. I don’t want to go back.
I was driving to the lake when a memory resurfaced. “Watermelon Bubblegum”
When I was younger, I used to keep a journal. I hid my journal in a different place every night for fear someone would read it. (in a large family…the fear was not unwarranted) I also started a system of mystery. I would write about my day but only the things I felt safe being read. At the end of my entry, I would put in key words that would trigger a memory for me. I would read it and know in an instant what I was thinking. Anyone else reading would say, “HUH?” Those were my secrets…in code. (I was using hashtags before hashtags were thought of ;))
I remember one code phrase in particular: “Watermelon Bubblegum, Gold Flecks, Rain.” (and beside it the symbol I associated with my crush…I know…my brain is complicated!) It is a memory that still makes me smile. So here it is…proof that I’m not completely hopeless. It is also hopelessly romantic and probably why it stuck in my brain. 🙂
It was raining. I was getting out of my car when “he” came out (into the rain…I know I knooow *insert cheesy grin*) He gave me a hug and said, “You smell like watermelon bubblegum.” And instead of being smart we stood there talking…in the rain (I was freezing) but it didn’t matter. I remember his dark eyes…with gold flecks and I had no fear…I didn’t stumble over my words. I was comfortable with him. He was someone I trusted. I had game…but it wasn’t a game to me.
“Watermelon Bubblegum, Gold Flecks, Rain” I need to start my code system again. 😉
What I got from that simple happening with Mr. Grey Blue Eyes is this; I may be awkward and stumble through my words with some, but with the right ones, I won’t have to worry. It will flow. It will feel right, and it will be worth standing in the freezing rain for.