Because writing it down is the only way of earning any peace…
Deep down I have this unwavering belief that all people are good, or have some good in them. I will search, and scratch, and dig, and pull, and climb, and search some more until I find it. If you end up on my “NO” list…heaven help you. But despite that optimistic view, after finding the good, and reaffirming that unwavering belief of mine, I do have a weakness.
Even if you are good…can I trust you? I don’t mean with secrets or belongings; can I trust you with…me?
To the untrained eye, I am a bubbly, sunshiney, optimistic, happy lady. I seem open and caring and a bit naive. If you see her, its because that is EXACTLY what I want you to see. And I’m good at being her. That side of me is very real, but it is only a facet. There is much more to me, so much more.
If I show you the unlovely…if I allow you to read the trouble behind my smile, the sad behind my kind eyes, or the hurt behind the softness of my voice…you are very special. I am VERY good at hiding those.
If I show you my strange, my goofy, my chaos…you are even more special.
If you let me show it, you do not judge, and you even appreciate it, you have a friend. I will have your six. I will bend over backwards for you because you see it all…the good and the bad, and you still want to be around me. And if you approve of my chaotic qualities, it means you must have them, too, and I need people in my life that understand me.
You have earned my trust…for now.
And there is where I am always tested.
My guard comes down.
This is where I have been hurt…my heart wounded. I have given people the gift of my trust and it was not accepted as a gift.
One of my favorite quotes:
“When you love someone, truly love them, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt-you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul.” ― Sherrilyn Kenyon
I think this pertains to not just loves but friends as well. I make acquaintances easily. I can even become your buddy to a point, but for me to honestly call you a friend and reveal parts of me no one else sees…that takes my heart.
And after I have done that? The hardest part for me is when circumstances shift or the hint of rejection appears… I shut down completely…I block that person out, even when it is KILLING me. I’m not just hurting me…I end up hurting them, too. And guess what that does to my heart?
I will go out of my way to not hurt people with my words, but my actions can be even worse. I miss out because my fear and insecurity takes command and I can ultimately lose people who really do deserve a place in my life on the off chance that they may or may not hurt me.
I’ve often thought I should write a love note to my heart and say:
It’s okay to open up. Your trust is a hard earned gift, but so is earning the trust of others. You are not the only one afraid of being hurt.”
Maybe one day I will be able to take it.