My greatest weapons are my words. I realize this. I always keep a line or two in my back pocket for that “perfect” moment. You know? When you get REALLY mad or you feel hurt and you just want that other person to feel it? I regret using them immediately after…
My heart is in my writing…always has been. When I am happy, it can be a masterpiece and when I am mad…a super storm!
I want to use my “powers” for good…I really do!
So, the other day, I was mad…really mad…atom bomb Sarah mad. It takes a lot to get me there with most people, or very little to get me there with others. It is all in the way I care for or respect you.
When I am mad, I write. (I also write when I’m happy, sad, indifferent, curious, tired, hyper…but that’s not helping make my point) Usually my mad writing stays secret. It is for me only. It is my therapy.
So, I was mad writing the other night and having a glass of wine with my mad writing…and then another glass. I suddenly decide….I MUST BLOG THIS! Sober Sarah would have been like, “Yeah, no, Miss Brocious…no.” Tipsy Sarah said…”The world must know my pissed-off’ed’ness!”
Luckily, I got distracted, as I often do, and saved it as a draft. Woke up the next morning and pulled it up. Thank GOD I hadn’t posted it. I would have regretted it and I could have hurt someone I care for. Anger shows up fast and furious with me, and then it goes out like a lamb. (I think its the Scots-Irish in me)
We have to be so careful with the words we use. They can tear a person down or build a person up. But we can’t depend on words or even actions in others. We are all built differently. We all have our ways of showing emotion. Some of us move in anger and others move in gentleness. Some of us hit the gym and others immerse themselves in a book, game, movie, or song to cope.
Feelings come and go…they shift…they grow in strength, or fade. We can’t let the circumstances of a day, week, or month affect us to the point that we do something or say something in that moment that we regret. We can’t scar others because we’ve been scarred. We, instead, need to try to understand each other. Ask ourselves, why did they do that? And not take blame, but ask ourselves, what part did I play in this?
As a writer, I need to be even more careful. I have the freedom to publish, post, rant whatever I want. But those who know me, know my heart. I will go out of my way to not hurt a person…even at the expense of my own feelings. It’s not weakness. It’s strength that allows me this. It’s easier to give into anger, emotion, or hurt than it is to remain soft, bite your tongue, and still love. But I am not perfect. I fail miserably sometimes. I most definitely have my moments. I’m a work in progress.
To that person that drove me to angry blog? I care more than I am allowed to say, but hurting you is the last thing I will allow myself to do. No lies…truth.