My Sunshine

Just because my brain won’t shut up about it…I must muse….

I  mutter the phrase, “I don’t care” to myself all the time. Like I don’t care what others think, or I don’t care if they get me all wrong. I want people to know me, but I don’t. So I let them think they do, but it sometimes bothers me to no end. I am not Sunshine because of privilege or out of what life has given me. I am Sunshine because I choose to be. And it’s hard at times, let me tell you, but I earned my sunshine.

I’m living a rather contended life right now. I want more…desire more…have big dreams, but still…content. I have a roof over my head. I have food to eat. I have clothes to wear. I have electricity and hot water. I have cool AC in the summer and running heat in the winter. These things make me crazily happy because…I didn’t always have them.

So, here is where introverted, self preserving, sunshine and rainbows Sarah shows a bit of herself. I think its important to be open sometimes and its cathartic for me. My words are my therapy. I’m not about to spill all the ugly, but I still want to be real.

Even at this moment I feel anxious to write this down. Its like, you put up this version of yourself that you know people will love and if they see the other they may not. I don’t want to admit my life was ever anything but good because that is a part of my life I don’t like to revisit. BUT it is what made me who I am.

You know that first impression you get from someone just based on your initial encounter? So many people think they know someone, but they don’t. The sweet happy person could be miserable. The gruff snarky person could have a heart of gold. The confident outgoing person could be utterly insecure.

I’ve had friends that had their initial impression of me totally change once I let them in. Initial reactions?

~she grew up in a stable family 2 parents

~she had everything she needed, maybe a bit spoiled

~she is naïve to life’s horrors

~she was protected

~she doesn’t know what being sad means because she is always happy

~never had to fight to survive

Truth? None of these things are true.

As a child, there were nights I went to bed hungry. There were days I didn’t want to leave school because it felt so much safer and warmer there than home.

I lived in neighborhoods where our house was broken into all the time. (don’t know what they wanted…we had nothing) I would run to the corner store for milk, only to find it being busted by the police…again. I walked to school on dangerous roads…being verbally accosted every day.

I’ve been without a home. I have suffered and survived abuse.(mentally, verbally, physically) I have been on the precipice of giving up, but I never did. There has always been that sunshine in me. Despite all the circumstances, I never let what was happening to me touch that part of me.

I had people in my life at each moment that moved me through it. I had my faith. I had and still have this unrealistic, fairytale, happy ending, belief in me that everything has a bit of good: people, circumstances, trials. Good can come out of anything.

I will not give those deep dark details to the above happenings in my life, but I will say this; I should be broken. I should be jaded. I should be lost and unhappy, but I’m not. What I went through made me kinder, stronger, more empathetic. It made me appreciate the life I have now. It allows me to find beauty in others. It gave me the ability to recognize when someone is going through something without them saying a word.

Yeah, I went through hell, but I would not have the gifts I have now if I hadn’t.

So much good ahead of me. Maybe some bad, too, but its okay. I earned my sunshine long ago. It ain’t going anywhere.

 

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