Organized Chaos…

There have been times that I have wished others could occupy my mind for just a day so they could understand me. Maybe they would understand why I say, “What?” but then immediately answer their question. There is so much going on and I am always processing…the timing between thought and speech is often out of sync.

I retain all…some of it is just stored in boxes and tucked deep deeeeeep away, but I know where that box is. My mind is nothing short of organized chaos.

Its hard to explain to others how I can go in so many directions with my thoughts, and still end up at the beginning. I am not simply hearing you in that moment, I am feeling that song, reading that person, solving that problem all at once. I go into sensory overload and my mind is in a constant race. Very few have the gift to keep up with it…including me at times.

I am forever creating, analysing, observing, testing with my thoughts. I don’t have a happy medium.

 I had a friend once tell me, “You go for broke or you sit still.” And its 100% true.

For the longest time I thought the way my brain worked made me weird. Now, I am an advocate for weird and different. I am a self-professed  weirdo. I’m proud of it, but sometimes feel it would be easier if I wasn’t so different and if my thoughts could be a little bit more normal.

It got me thinking, how many others feel this way about themselves? Do they shelve their passions because they feel others won’t understand? Do they bite their lip and not speak their feelings because it goes against the popular ideals? Do they hide their faith because that faith could be perceived as weakness? And do they lose out on love, friendship, and connection because they feel unworthy? 

 I have been guilty of every one of those things. And as I wrote each thought, I pictured the instance in my life where I did just that, and I wish I could go back to change it. I missed out or denied my own convictions because I felt I would not be understood. 

Isn’t that one of the most coveted things in life? To be understood? To connect with people who feel us and who truly see us?

The problem is…we try to change ourselves so much that that will never happen. We end up not even knowing ourselves after all the filtering. 

We can’t all be the same. Someone will always be misunderstood. We have to be true to ourselves and dare to be different. The strength you have in you, someone else needs. The argument you have with another will cause a spark. It will create an idea. It will be a catalyst to something because iron sharpens iron. 

Our differences are what cause great things to happen. If we were all the same there would never be a need to strive. We would all just be. Everything would lie stagnant…and how boring would that be?

 We need that person who sparks our passion. We need that argument that causes us to search for the truth. My introverted mind needs those extroverts to keep me from living in my own world…to bring me back to reality now and then. Those extroverts need me too…to remind them that its okay to dream and to take moments to experience their own world…not just our shared one.

So, getting back to my initial thought (I just chased my proverbial tail…I know) I guess its okay to not always be understood. My weird is needed.

And I really don’t need anyone poking around in my mind…I hold a lot of secrets up there. 😉


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